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by lostInMyOwnWorld1314 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 1:00 am

My whole life I've thought I was straight as can be, always had crushes on girls, always chased girls wanting to hug and kiss them. I was always successful with girls, I've dated best friends, sisters, cousins, people from other school I met on Facebook or Instagram by the way I'm a 17 year old male(not trying to sound conceded but its true). Always had sex fantisies about girls. When I'd go to sleep I'd have a girl on my mind, waking up I'd pray there was a girl I liked laying next to me. But when 9th grade started things changed, I started checking things a lot like how I looked at my finger nails and I asked my self is this the gay way and a lot other things I questioned I can't think of them though. I started noticing guys of how they looked (if they were handsome ). Hated it but it wasn't constantly on my mind am I gay? I started googling things and it seems like it has gotten 1000 times worse ever since I looked it up. It was constantly on my mind am I gay? I never had an attraction for a guy or a ggay thought ever in my life, I wish I was still like that. I've read that this is hocd I have but my mind doesn't let me believe it and I can't stop questioning my sexuality. Is this common for hocd where no matter what you tell your self something in your head tells you youre gay? I pray I'm not gay, I don't want to be gay I want my old life back. On the internet and other forums, some say porn or pmo (porn masturbate orgasm ) can cause hocd. I've been pmo since 5th grade I was 10 or 11, been doing it ever since them daily, setimes multiple times a day. I started straight porn and went to lesbian porn, straight porn seemed to show to much penis and I don't want to see that. I've stopped pmo and haven't done it for 8 days now. Its like I lost all my attraction for women (this is coming for hocd) every once in a while I get fantasies about girls but hocd stops the fantasies and I hate it, today I had a state test for school cause I failed last year, I was having sex fantises about girls non stop. It was great I loved it, I texted a girl after telling her to skip next period and we made out , was fun. I've talked to gay people they say the love the thoughts they have about guys, I love thoughts about girls, is it possible to love girls your whole life and just change to gay (I don't want to be gay) I never really have fantasies about giys, when I do I'm disgusted and stop thinking about it. Tried watching gay porn and I cringed non stop and started gagging to vomit. There's just always a thought in my head YOURE GAY. Its like if I look at a giy that's attractive its sets off a spike, I have a good friends and when I talk to him (sometimes) a thought comes in saying I like him, I don't want to like him, I have no desire to do anything with him(make out or anything) never think about that. I've had dreams my whole life about girls, saw my self in the future with a wife and kids I can't wait for that day to come. I don't date girls much anymore cause the your gay thought comes in my head so I just have friends with benefits with girls now cause I just can't be happy with the thoughts and I hate it.

Anyways can you turn gay out of no where? Is this all just hocd? If anyone has any thoughts to this please comment thanks (:

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by Snaga » Thu Dec 08, 2016 5:06 am

I don't think you can turn gay like that, no. I think you would have known you were different already by now.

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by CloudShark » Thu Dec 08, 2016 3:09 pm

It's also totally not gay to notice that someone of the same sex is attractive. I see a lot of attractive women and even think that a majority of women are more aesthetically pleasing than most men. I don't want to sleep with them though (I'm a chick btw).

"Away"

by Orwell1984 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 6:57 pm

Some people are emotionally gay, not physically.

by Snaga » Thu Dec 08, 2016 7:42 pm

Orwell1984 wrote:Some people are emotionally gay, not physically.

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by lostInMyOwnWorld1314 » Thu Dec 08, 2016 9:25 pm

Snaga wrote:

Orwell1984 wrote:Some people are emotionally gay, not physically.

by Snaga » Fri Dec 09, 2016 2:43 am

I think we are agents of free will, and we can certainly practice something (or not), but I don't know how much I believe we can switch orientations, if that's what you're asking. I can't change mine. The sex research I go by, males are locked in by at least no later than 15, probably sooner than that. If you didn't have 'gay' thoughts before now, in a non fear/OCD way, then I seriously doubt you have anything to worry about.

The point of what you quoted from me, is that many people think that humans are basically a degree of bisexual. Most people are so straight, or so gay, that for all practical purposes, those labels fit and they can go their whole lives without even thinking about it. But OCD don't like ambiguity. You're wanting 100000000000% certainty, about something that is by its very nature, fuzzy. For people without OCD, I'm pretty sure a gay thought or two, doesn't make them gay. But you obsess over it. You're OCD- that's what we do, we obsess. A stray thought means we're that. A fantasy means we're that. And that's not how the real world works. The real world isn't that black/white. I think one of the reasons sexual themed OCD is so hard to handle, and so prevalent, is that sexuality is by nature an ambiguous thing. And OCD jumps on that like starving wolves on an injured caribou.

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by Snaga » Fri Dec 09, 2016 2:47 am

The way I would handle HOCD, is to remind myself how I was before I got scared. That's what I really am, that's what I claim for myself, that's my story, and stick to it in the face of OCD screaming otherwise. Being Bi, I've wavered over the years, not exactly HOCD (or SOCD, for that matter) but I have obsessed. I just stop, and say okay how did I act BEFORE I worried about what I was.... okay what do I like, don't like? Okay then, that's what I am. If you never worried about it before the HOCD, if you always liked girls, there's your answer.

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by lostInMyOwnWorld1314 » Fri Dec 09, 2016 12:00 pm

That made perfect sense. Thank you

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